－ 卡爾絲玻利亞的回憶 －

Read through some of the entries of 2010.

It was a year of transition and repeating process of falling down and trying to stand up.
The begining of 2010, recovery process of the big bomb from 2009 gradually accepting the fact that my Godmother is sick and might one day leave anytime. Then come the struggles that arises from army. Me getting into guards and all the unfairness I face in unit life. I shall not repeat the complaints I have written since march. The fact that I am a guardsmen medic have sunk in.

Do not think it weird why it ain't the same anymore.

We all moved on and we are no longer on the same page anymore.

I've decided to stop rushing through the pages to catch you but to endure the slowly turning pages now.

Next year mama going to try on new drugs cos the current one losing its effect or sth like that. Heard its gonna be very expensive. At this time how I really wish I can contribute or do something. I feel so useless.

She also shared with me that how the doctor was amazed at her.

You know most of the pain doesn't come from the cancer itself. It comes from the treatment, the chemotherapy. You lose your appetite, its painful beyond that you lose your hair. Its pain physically, mentally and financially. Yet my aunt said she didn't feel any of these during treatment at all just that she feels tired easily. When I hear her say this I knew it was God's favour on me and her.

Relationship with one another is never easy. In a clique or just between 2 person. Give and Take. Its a 2 way traffic.

I never like having to make the decision to let go of anyone yet sometimes its difficult to hold everything together. This much that I'm willing to do I hope is enough

to keep this 8 years relationship going on. All I want this Christmas, is for us to come together and celebrate this anniversary.

Ps: Today, I was able to enjoy service better. After sharing and letting go of those emotions I was able to feel God more. A million thanks to you :)

Feeling better now but, looking at what lies ahead, I still feel that 'stress'. When I close my eyes and open them again, its the day I book in. Thus far there has never been a time when I look forward to that.

I am really tired. Disconnected. Maybe disappointed.

I don't know how I slump into these on off depression mode.
It is so easy to stay trapped in that sea of negative thoughts.
Maybe I'm just too tired, maybe I'm just too insecure maybe I am just too eager to get back my civilian life.

Every second the world is changing. Change it comes everyday. Around you or even you yourself.

We have all changed. At some point we might have been on the same page but now it just seemed like I have stopped somewhere and you have moved elsewhere. I am not sure what phase I am going through. What change I myself am facing. All I know now is that I am extremely uncomfortable in this time stamp now.

When that clown is gone and all has died down, I feel empty again.

How would I leave 4 days later?

What would happen 26 days later?

Not being emo here but I really wanna know how I should face the things that are happening around. Whats the purpose?

When will they actually know , realize , found out whatever word you can think along this line that I AM NO LONGER A KID?!

When will they actually respect or take in the words I say? Be it very small things or big things.  Its my life and I can't say "I DON'T WANT".

My silence is not my agreement, its because I have gave up fighting.

After a good long sleep. The emotions seemed to have died down and my mind is in a cooler state. Things have happened too long ago for me to bring up and probe. Whats over is over. The questions I long to ask should probably bury themselves together with time. Seeing you each time reminds me of it but still seeing how you have probbably gotten over it I probabbly should learn that from you.

Woken up from this dream. There needs to be a balance between reasoning and emotions. I've been too blinded by the emotions to see the facts. As always I know somehow I will be ok soon.

現在的心情好亂。

雖然不是第一次聽到這件事，但當它又再次的浮現我覺得全身不對經。

Looking through the old photos, I realized my aunt has aged so much. Can't help but feel that I don't have much time left. Can't help but i feel like crying.....

I am nearing the crossroad of making the decision. To move on to the next chapter. I feel so suffocated the past few days. Gloomy....
Because 1 side of my mind is occupied by Ex Seahawk, Wallaby and Atec Stage 2, the other side my Education. While I want to give the attention to the latter side, Ex Seahawk is right round the corner. As much as I can just wanna faster get back on track once I ORD and its probabbly around the time now that I start deciding and applying for the School I want.

Finally the day have arrived just like how I thought it would be at the begining of the year. E269 has moved on and multiplied. Lookinto at how people who came in around my time still around and looking at how the floodgates of the secondary schools has opened I felt happy and at ease. No sad feelings, cos we aren't really seperated and probbably because I thought it was time to multiply too. Where-ever I may be, I just hoped I continue to be that somebody to someone.

Be going in circles. Having the same problem. Meeting the same kind of person. Getting hurt at the same spot.

I almost gave up.
Letting go the control over my body and go free fall.

I am really drained. I don't need the mountains to be moved.

I feel something different. A relief from bondage.

Not everyone looks beyond the surface. Not that they can't is whether they want? If there should be someone that does so and feels you. He/She should be your mate for life or the best of friends.

Don't let such people go.

Its heavy...
The responsibility that comes with it. 

Used to contain pride, sweat and victories. Now stained with diappointment and not to mention Losses. If I knew it would be so humiliating (in my point of view) I wouldn't joined in the first place. As much as I want to win, the rest ain't so motivated like me. There to make up the numbers? Disappointed that I can't be strong enough to spur them on. I guess not everyone sees it the way I see it.

Suddenly the feelings just change.

Suddenly it becomes something else.

How reliable are emotions?

我想我們經歷的多多少少是一樣的只是我們的處理方式不一樣吧。 讀了不同人的故事，也許從中我能學習到更好的處理方法。其實不管你在地球上活了
多久，諾思想一直沒變， 同樣的問題依然會出現無論再多幾個離別，再怎么去尋找那完美的人 。。。

不用羨慕吧， 我想我們這‘一類’的人依然會有自己的幸福只是不是現在。

Time seemed to have pass by pretty fast since last week, once again I have come to update my life here. Though fast but so much have changed since the last entry. Looking back at the entries in june it seemed that I have been complaining alot, I hate to be so whiny but things aren't getting any better for this entry. So caution...

Intoxicated, I didn't drink much yesterday but I think the alcohol was quite strong. My head was spinning real fast and the moment I touched my bed I fell deep into the dreamless night. I must have gone crazy. The past week in camp drives me crazy. No more mp3 , no more psp, no handphone charger , no entertainment. Sometimes I wonder if they do consider our feelings. They treat us nice when they feel like it and then treat us like prisoners when they get pissed off. Is that how you treat human? I think they are more for dogs.Not just demoralized but I felt injustice. Why should I give them my best when the entire system and organization is so F*** up and not to say the people that runs it.

The wily fox's smile seems dangerous in the co line, and the medical centre is no refuge because I have to watch my back all the time... I want to do my best for the badminton team but the previous 2 is enough to drain out the most of me. I am not falling out yet I fear the day when I had to fight alone. When will this end?I feel like I have nothing left...Robbed totally robbed.