－ 卡爾絲玻利亞的回憶 －

It was a dreamless night yet it was a good thing though. My dreams always leave me pondering over it. All of a sudden I seem to have forgotten the things that have been haunting for the past 2 days. Felt lighter. Hanged around Laguna Park before going back home.

God never leaves anything unattended esp those you are trying to run away from. Just when I am feeling the way I feel and thinking the way I do he would just present the chance for confrontation to make things right. I think he really gave me a lot of chance to make things right and yet I always shun away from it. Its always men's folly when things happen, now I believe. I didn't take those chances and so.... things got worse. Confrontation. I really hate it and yes it is because I fear it and have no courage to do it. Whoever I have hurt or upset, I am really sorry and I wish this would somehow reach you.

She was just standing in front and yet I didn't had the courage to walk up and stand beside her. Don't have the courage to approach her, Don't have the courage to even call her. God might probabbly feel that I should be made a mute since my mouth's existance seem so redundant.

I didn't sleep the whole night. My mind is clamped with thoughts that even in my dreams I seem to be awake. Getting up in the morning wasn't a struggle, I was dying to wake up. Throughout the day I am just in a daze. I observe my platoon mates from aside. I really do envy them at times. Though not educated but when life is being shitty to them they can take it with a smile, jokes and endure through. With them around I don't feel pressurized at all and it makes going through the shit stuff a lot easier. I feel natural when I am with them, I don't have to act like somebody I am not or portray a certain image. They have certaintly being a great company and distraction to me today.

There are a lot broken pieces I have to pick up. I don't know where to start. Running away just magnifies the problem. I really wish I could travel 10-15 years back and tell that boy he needs to change his thinking he needs to talk to somebody he needs to express himself so that he won't have to go through the pain he would 10-15 years later. Its just so hard to erase the things that have become part of me over the years now. Am I screwed?

I would love to convince him that his mama loves him and papa would wish he was around...

Would it better if I wasn't around? Maybe having me was a mistake isn't it?
I am just a ghost lying around in this abandoned house.
One that is floating away and you are trying so hard to grab hold of me.

Every now and then I had to struggle with this. I had to try fight back those anger which I never know where it came from. Observing myself it seems as though the trigger comes from your concerns. Everytime you asked the where's the when's just triggers this anger button without me being able to surpress it. Today was just one of those times I couldn't control myself and shouted. I can't seem to accept this concern and love that I longed for ages ago now. My body seemed to have accustomed to this rejection long ago. It just feels like you have no more rights to showing those concerns to me anymore. Its too late. Yet when I calmed down I knew I shouldn't have think this way but yet I couldn't bring about the change that will make things better.

Give up..

For the next 8 weeks ...*8* weeks I am gonna be deviated from everyone's life. Fri night gone, saturday burnt. Sun morning will I get to see the world and should I fail my IPPT I would have to be back in camp by mon morning if not mon night. If you were to really calculate properly I would have a night short compared to the normal book out rates. All thanks to NDP.

Really can't imagine how I am going to go through this 8 weeks. No cell group, not even sure if I can go for sun service. Devasted, that would be the right word to describe how I feel now. After 8 weeks everything will seem like stranger to me again and I would have to start all over again. I just hope that I can happily enjoy my last saturday even though there is a high chance of activation tmr. Demoralised, demoralised... T.T

這樣模糊的看世界讓我很沒安全感。 晚上搭公車我根本看不清楚要在那裏下車. 我會不會一直這樣下去？

今天好不容易可以出來呼吸外面的空氣。。。但是，，， 一切都好像變的很陌生有點跟不上大家的腳步。。。

只好說些冷笑話，讓自己有用一點。。。。最後還是開心的只是沒有滿足的感覺。

I've really been literally resting at home. Nothing much I could do. All I can do was to sleep and sleep and sleep. The light is giving me headaches. My eyes are blurrish and I can't see well. I wanna watch videos but the brightness of everything are giving me headaches. Bubbles everywhere... I am starting to get really agitated..........

Please don't drop another depression bomb on me...

I'm afraid I won't be able to take it anymore.....

I'm living like nth happen, I'm lying to myself......

I may be quiet but doesn't mean I am ignorant or I don't know my stuff.
I may be quiet but doesn't mean I admit to your accusations...

Feels a bit close up nowadays.
I can't sort out who is real who isn't. Its so funny that some people you've never even talked to before claims to be your friend or the other way round. Some, just wants to be close to you because you are of some use and many more examples....
Isn't there someone real?

Just like what the title says. 'They' 've been allowing me to go home for the past 4 days because they couldn't find a place for me to slp. They haven't sent me to my platoon yet and so I will be helping out in the medical centre till the brunei trip (7th-18thapr). What an irony, I wanted my birthday to be celebrated overseas but definitely not BRUNEI!!...

......

Well everyday can be a celebration as long as I'm happy......

Many came to salute.

Many came to look ..

God, give me the strength to accept the way things are now....

I struggled to be positive today. Devil just keeps reminding you of the bad news and it is so tempting to be resentful to just want to let go of everything and be at 1 corner. I tell myself I can't do that anymore. I must carry on with life I still have my responsibility as a leader. Took up my guitar and began to praise God and worship him. Faith starts building up in me and thats where I find the breakthrough to bring myself to give BS today. It was a great time of impartation and the more I engage in GOD's work more faith began to raise in me.

It seemed like a battle between my body and mind against the spirit. It went all the way down to fellowship when I finally had a breakthrough. Took the first step to start talking again, to start laughing again, to start fellowshipping again. I reckon to have joy I must first bring joy. I don't know about tmr but I know I won the battle today. Went home feeling light. Mama still awake at 11pm. Bathe and then blog while listening to mama's talking (naggings, complaints and of cos funny comments). She will just keep talking and I will just keep listening then laugh at her comments. I feel my joy tank being filled again.

Today was the second day of my attachment to Stagmont Camp Medical Centre at Choa Chu Kang. This is the only day whereby I can get to enjoy a 8-5pm lifestyle. Spent 3hrs out of the 24hrs God created to travel. Reaching home, i'm like gosh I've to cherish this only night that I have before I go back to camp tmr and start the combat phase of my course. In the end I made a very humane choice. To go for a walk with my aunt. All thanks to lil Israel for crying wanting to get out of the house. A 4 month old baby weighing 8kg, I can't imagine how my aunt can carry him and go for a walk. So I decided to go with her and carry the lil bomb. It was the first time I carry him and My oh my, he is really heavy.....

Come to think of it, the last time I go for a walk with my aunt were those secondary school days where I would go to her house everyweekend. Back then my other 2 nephew and niece were young and I would carry them too. I felt like I was back to those days again. Simple and my heart is so filled after each weekend. I don't really know what happened to me after that. Maybe I got caught up in my own world. Maybe I got tempted away by those materialistic things. That I no longer such quality time with her ever since. The walk today not only reminded me of those days, it made me realized what I've been missing on the past few years. God is good. I finally understood why certain things happen.

Writting all these down made me realize a fact too....

Carlsbluey: "When those warm drops of tears fall, I realized that there is still life in me"

I was begging ....

Having my Mp3 spoil at this time is not helping at all...
Bad things comes in a package .
I'm not sad.. just worried...

我回到家。看見衣衫整齊的擺在床上。不是庸人而是媽媽放的。。。。

我。。。不知道是否放下了那份恨。哪，被拋棄的感覺。。。

時間好像快數列車
我站在平台上看著它離開
而不是在車上