－ 卡爾絲玻利亞的回憶 －

Why do people fall sick? According to the chinese, you fall sick because you are not happy inside thats why the qi inside your body cannot circulate properly. According to the western, you fall sick because you think you are or you want to be sick and eventually you become sick. They both share the same similarity. Your mental well being affects your physical well being.

I don't understand what went wrong inside of my sick mommy. It seems like shes got some bitterness in her and its not helping in her recovery. As much as we can we try to make her look at the bright side of life, encourage her to be happy. I think we succeeded today. Its her grand daughter's birthday today. We held it at Sheraton hotel. Made her see that she should be already very blessed that she gets to take care of her grandchildren now. Lil Issac is growing up to be a jovial boy, lil Israel though has a hot temper but still cute since he is still young and soon Momma gets to hold her new grandson Lil Jaekin. All her son and daughters have settled down. I 'm probbably her last worry. I'll try hard to not keep things to myself. Seriously she thinks that I am depressed from NS because of my loss of appetite and even lesser of words from my mouth. How I know? Despite being so sick she still insist of going to Taiwan with me when I get my leave. Love is not selfish. Love is the willingness to sacrifice for the other. I see them now. Though shes not my real mother but she has gone beyond the duty as an aunt to me. I don't want people to worry about me, but I don't know how. Obviously not saying anything adds on to their worries. Feel so useless. 

X'mas is nearing again. Cousin asked me what I wanted for X'mas. Seriously I never know how to answer to this question. I never know what I want or I'm too timid to say what I want. Ok honestly I want a car and a house now but according to my age and capacity I can only have as far as an air ticket. But why do I want to have an airticket for? I mean whats the point if I'm going alone. I kept quiet but heres whats running through my chain of thoughts.

Finally found some time for myself. A trip to the jungle and now finally I'm back. It is physically and mentally demanding but more on the mental side. You see physically fit people, breaking into pieces and you see people raising up. A trip that reveals more than just the surface. I know more about human beings and myself. Things I didn't know I have and things I thought I have. The first 3 days was ok and bearable. The last 2 days is where all the longings come. The time when I am no longer relying on my own strength but on prayers from my loved ones. Eating my lunchbox frm cookhouse in the rain beside my my shellscrape, I never felt so grateful before. I was so sick of the rations that I skip meals sometimes.  Seeing how the rain water has taken over my shell scrape I've never felt so disappointed and depressed before. All in all. I think I know myself better.

Gabs... 1 more month to go...

It is the second week of treatment for her. Seems like the side effects of her medicine is wearing her off and her immune system too. Still she got that fighting spirit in her. Its still too early to determine whether the treatment is effective or not. Nobody is telling me anything and I never questions so I can only observe and guess. Little Israel is 1 month old tmr. That would really cheer her up.

My cousin is changing her plans. She is intending to send me to NZ for studies. Intending. Meaning..her intentions might change. I know her decisions and plans are based on what factors. I suppose she is preparing for the rain as well. So am I . Just that shes got the ability to make it happen while I don't. Whatever it is. I guess I should be glad that I am part of her plan. That someone cares about my future. But, is that what I want? I've always shun away from making big decisions. My decision have always been based on what people say. It only shows that I am not willing to take the responsibility. No.. this time.. I want to make my own decision.  Big or small matters, I don't want to let  other people's opinion change my course of action anymore. I've 1yr 9 mths to make my final decision.

1st time in so many weeks I felt so home(s)sick. It was a physical week, all that weights, climbings, fightings and running. Felt like my bones are breaking now but yet there aarre so many things I wanna do back home.

 It was a heavy laden week. Nobodys motivated. I am shutting down and I need a lil distraction. Field Camp is next week. I'll come out on a Sat and back on a Sun. Then confine for another weekend for Situational Test.

Will I last that long... ?

又过了一个星期。。
其實現在我已適應這樣的生活了。 這個星期干媽開始她的化療。表面上她好像已看開了但是她告訴我她化療的過程時我還是覺得她有很多不舍。我好無助。在她面前我只好裝堅強不讓她擔心。
有時候心里藏太多東西好辛苦。我因該希望時間過的快一點還是慢一點？ 一直都在自我催眠。我幾時才會醒過來？ 現在我只想對著大海發呆。

Flu.....

What a bugger...

Hmm okie... I should do a lil introduction to my army life...

1 word....

Shag....

Today's training was cancelled. I realized I have nothing to do anymore. The sudden voidness in time, left me thinking and thinking too too much and far. I need to do something. I am tired of thinking anymore. I'm moving out. When the time is right, I will leave. I would neither choose to stay at the soon to be sad place nor go back to the place I so long to get out of. To a new place, to see new people. This is my decision. Now set me free.

Case closed...

Coincidently i'm sleeping at 3 a.m today again. I quite like late nights actually. The dead silence, the idea that i've the whole world to myself. Even like cycling on the road , it seems like I owned the road.

My day started past 12p.m  , my first programme: Badminton with the tpss badminton clique. I bought a pair yonex shoes for $50 bucks. A bit like stupid cos I'm going in NS in like 2 weeks time, I won't need that shoes anytime soon after yesterday. I bought on impulse actually, i left my sports shoes @ Laguna and I happened to be staying at Tampines. Lazy to go back and get the shoes. Just bought a pair last week as well, on impulse again, because my white color nike shoes is like dirty and the soles seems to be like without friction soon and I threw it away on the spot. I did a count on the number of shoes I have, I think I got 8 pairs now. I have to curb this, fools spend whatever they have.. I don't want to be a fool again.

This is practically my sleeping time everyday. 've been playing online games with my friends every night. I'm turning into a game geek but then its better than emoing at night. I need some sports... Can't wait for sunday's soccer and hopefully badminton on friday. Ok so what can I write here...

JB trip: Food is like cheap there, a meal that includes main course and drinks cost ard 10 sing dollars at secret recipe... bought 1 whole marble cheesecake from secret recipe.  Shopping wise, M'sia is a big NONO... even Topman don't seem top there and it is not any cheaper there.  disappointing.

Today: Went to eat at Manhatten Fish Market @ Plaza Sing with MO (new dinner buddy + time wasting buddy)... I'm not a fish lover, but not bad... 2.8/5 . Since we're already in town we went boat quay to drink. Found a nice pub, had beer. Gotta say, I really hate beer...bleahx.. Go all red again, this time my face seems like its sun burnt.... forehead peeling off skin now. We tried to jio HK, he thought we 借酒消愁﹐but rather its 借酒消悠﹐悠閑的悠.

I am back from Ipoh. Indeed it was a faith booster trip.

Ipoh compared to Singapore is much much less developed. People there live a simple life. So are the people there. Simple and sincere. We were extremely well treated there by Pastor Lian himself and his staff Kenny. Drove us around, treat us to breakfast, Lunch and dinner sometimes even supper. God bless them..

Finally a day I was out for the whole day. Met up with Jimmy in the day to check up the coaches to Ipoh and then the salt taking act at macdonalds.. LOL...

Went to Kua's house , all ready and hungry for steamboat.... kinda been craving for that. It was suppose to be a TP badminton gathering, well turn out to be the usual 4 again. Me, Geez, Kua and Jen ... A 4 person steamboat huh...you know the atmosphere like kinda not there. So well o well... I suggest we go Bugis's steamboat instead, save us the trouble of preparing the food as well.

A lot of questions running through my mind. Questions that only I have the answer but yet I do not know the answers. To all who are concerned and praying for my aunt. She is going through operation now, to insert something into her arm so to facilitate the withdrawing of blood from her in future easily. It has to be done because they can't find her veins anymore. Its a small operation but ,still lets pray she will be fine.

Its Aug 17 already. I have 7-8 weeks more to go. I am quite ready to go in. What I really can't let go is once I am in , its hard for me to know how is my aunt and her condition. Doctor says she has 1 or 2 years. Of cos by faith I believe that it would be more than that. Yet, what if it is during this 2 years? Would I be able to take it? I sort of had a glimpse of what it could be like months ago. I couldn't take it. Will I ,2 years later? When I'm just about to go into university. How would my life change?  Will she at least survive till the day I have my own family which is what I really hoped for. At least for her to see me settle down.

There are also questions like what I really want to do after NS? SIM? Overseas? Career path? Should my cousin really send me to Australia, would I be able to be independent?

I've been forcing myself to sleep early this few days.. BUT I CAN"T!... I end up tossing about till 2-3plus am ... I would feel super grouchy in the morning... GIVE ME SLEEPING PILLS! Everytime I try to sleep.. images in my mind start popping out... like movies.. playing in my head..causing me to be awake... Tonight was another attempt to sleep early..Again...I can't.... I give uup...HECK...i would just serve the net till i drop dead....ZZzz away...

I am supposed to be excited for this day cos my cousin is holding a bbq at our new home. Hooray to that . At first I thought it would only a few closed relatives.. who knows she invited the whole kampung.. Even the hypocrites.  They smile at you...but at tha back of their head you don't know what they are thinking and I dread answering their unsincere questions of concern. Bleahx. I don't understand why my cousin invites them. Nevertheless I must learn to be as gracious as her.To forgive and forget... Haiz.. I am not perfect but well I am learning to ..

I'll try to enjoy myself as much as possible.
Time to think of some avoiding strategy ...

差身而過﹐我最後還是決定不叫出你的名字

也許是命運作弄人吧。

那麼巧在這時刻讓我們“遇見”

就多了個眼鏡你也看不出。。。

Yesterday was a Good '0' experience at Pulau Ubin.. My first time there.Cycled around the lil Island. The best part of the trip was prob the Chak Jawa wetland and the Tower.. A great place to be alone and gather your thoughts. For some unknown reason I was super tired once I reached home. Ha maybe well ... age is catching u.Had a super heavy dinner and I slept at 10pm.. wooho.. first time in like so long.. Yet I do not know why i woke up numerous times in the night to drink water.. I was like dehydrated .. Finally morning hits and arghh the stupid dog came into the room barking at me... HOLLA.. I am like trying to make up for the times i did not sleep can!! WWHY! WHY! must u wake me up!!!!  who opened my door anyway....grrrr... but well I told myself to wake up early today to go swimming and so.. haiz.. maybe God sent the dogs to wake me up... My word is my bond... I went to swim eventually. 18 laps.. compared to those fit and fat uncles I am like... weak.. LOL... I would like rest every 4 laps for a half a min before I carry on.. and they would be like continuous... that is like freakish fit can.... I have to admit I suck at swimming...

Hmm.. so that is my eventful morning...

I really enjoyed today's celebration.. though I'm like drowsy, sleepy... 0.0 ...
Quite emotional.. I really don't know why I was crying at certain parts in the service... While worshipping, while we were being prayed forth by Pst Abraham and of cos watching the tribute videos... brings back some memories...
How God introduced me to this church from children church...

i think i found something to keep me occupied till NS comes...
i wanna learn how to play canon D on guitar....

looks quite hard.....

最近我想我是太閒了﹐整天想那些有的沒的。。。想到頭腦打轉。。

今天早上﹐